One of the first books I read in country was Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Generally I liked it. If you aren't familiar, it is her personal story of coming to terms with a difficult divorce, while travelling and trying to find herself.
What she finds along the way, is a Brazilian man named Felipe. They fall in love. Book ends.
Book doesn't end though, as both of them have survived difficult divorces, they pledge to never marry. Which generally wouldn't be an issue, until the Dept. of Homeland Security devides to never let Felipe into the country again.
So, their only option, if they want to live in America, is - to get married.
Leave it to Elizabeth Gilbert to be faced with a challenge and spend many months and an entire book obsessing about the issue.
Hmm. Sounds like something I would do.
So, cut to me coming home and my mother handing me a copy of the book Committed.(My Mom's been working on it since December, I devoured it in about a week).
Note: My mother tried to convince me to read the book by citing a passage that stated why men and women get married, and the benefits to each of them . Turns out the benefits are largely skewed in favor of the man, in that married men live longer lives, make more money, are less prone to depression and alcoholism, and are less likely to die a violent death. In all instances the OPPOSITE is true for women. Married women do not live longer, they make less money, are more prone to depression and alcoholism, and are more likely to die a violent death (more often than not at the hands of their husbands). Thanks Mom, for pointing this out to me. Are you trying to tell me something?
It's enough to say I enjoyed the book, but not just because I went to a friend's wedding back home, and one of the first things I did after coming back was go to an Azeri toy (wedding).
I was struck most by her discussion of choice. Gilbert introduces the paradox of how in society after society, the moment marriage is allowed to be based on choice, and love and freedom of intention, the divorce rate skyrockets. How is it that arranged marriages end in less divorce?
Turns out, arranged marriages are usually arranged with the support of the entire community. Usually these matches are based on financial stability, the merging of land or funds, or tend to be more pleasing to the community as a whole, and therefore have more investment from others. (This isnt to say these marriages are necessarily happier - it is possible in these cases couples are locked in a state of unhappiness because they aren't allowed to divorce...but we'll shelve that point for a moment).
In the society I've grown up in, I've always been told to wait for the right moment, to wait for love, and to choose when I am ready. This makes the choice to marry ultimately personal, making it that much harder for outsiders to support and have a share in my personal commitment. At the same time, when the power is left to me, it gives me a choice. When there is a choice, when there is more than one possible option, there is ultimately anxiety. Anxiety that I will make the wrong choice, anxiety that the path I choose will turn out to be less satisfying than the other path (or paths) I could have gone down.
Cut to 15 years down the road, when all that white-knight stuff has faded away, and you're left with this man sitting across from you drinking coffee, and you think, "What if..." Dissatisfaction (maybe) begins to grow. Some relationships make it through, and for a million varied reasons, some relationships dont.
Note: I grew up in a loving family, and my parents just celebrated 25 (generally) blissful years of marriage together. I know nothing about divorce, I know nothing about the kind of pain it can cause having to make that decision, and the guilt and sorrow that must come along with it. I will never pretend to know, and I hope I never will know. But unfortunately, I can't be sure. I'm just trying to talk about trends. And culture.
I was taught that I am entitled to happiness, and I shouldn't settle for anything less. It's no wonder that when things get tough, I look for ways to fix it. I was also taught that love is real, love is true, and that I deserve to be loved unconditionally.
I think it boils down to expectations, and choice.
You make a choice. If your expectations are unrealistic, whatever choice you made will never be satisfying.
Sometimes, I look at my own future and see too many choices, and too many possibilities for disappointment. (I also have slightly depressive tendencies, which according to a recent TIME article means I am able to more realistically forecast my future than optimists. That's a sad statistic). But then I step back and I look at some Azeri women who don't have a choice. Whose expectations are likely more realistic than the average American bride...and I wonder.
The divorce rates here are very low, because divorce is stigmatized and second weddings (for women at least) are basically unheard of. But there's always a price. Low divorce rate could signify better external support systems for couples (from th family and from the community), and couples more willing to work it out and accomodate each other. But it could also mean more unhappy marriages. I suppose in America, the price we pay for the freedom to love who we want and how we want, and to chase after our own happiness, we have to accept that sometimes, we're going to want a way out.
Marriage is a very social contract, and the more we have personalized our choices, the harder it is to allow marriage to be something that the community is part of. Maybe that's why marriage is on the decline in America.
If I've learned anything from living in a society with strange rules and customs, and trying to maintain my own relationship in this foreign place, i've learned that it's personal, and it's a choice. And with that, comes the beautiful freedom to write your own rules, and your own story.
And whatever the sacrifice, I will always choose to have that freedom.
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