I’m having a complicated relationship with adjectives.

Namely, that I can’t find the right one. Or I seem to be using/hearing the same few over and over again:

Crazy
different
exciting
interesting

Those are the only four things people keep saying about my life.

I mean, I’ve never thought about myself as special, or unique. I’m just an only child who grew up in a predominantly white, relatively affluent, suburb of Cleveland. Except for a few minor, recent, developments.

I’m in the Peace Corps in Azerbaijan. As I’m thinking about moving on and coming home, my parents are moving to Dubai.

Huh?

America was amazing. Before leaving AZ, I dreaded going home mainly because I knew it would be so hard to leave. And today, it was so hard to leave.

My friends at the wedding almost had me convinced not to go. Angela’s sleepy voice this morning (the first thing I heard):
Stephy?
Yeah?
Don’t go…

Coming home made me realize just how much I gave up to be a PC volunteer. I know I’ve said this before, about going to London and Vienna and Istanbul, you see the modern world and look at the technology you’ve missed, you eat food that you haven’t seen in a while, and you enjoy some social freedoms you gave up to be here.

But this week I went home and stepped back into my old life. And got a glimpse of what I could be if I were there.

And you know what? I liked it.

Perspective. It put things in perspective for me. It’s easy to sit in my house in Balaken and get caught up in the little things, be absorbed by all the worries and the stresses of living in Azerbaijan, get bogged down by the stares and the questions. But going home helped me remember where I came from. What I’ve achieved. And what my life used to look like. And what my life can and will look like when all this is over.

Unfortunately, I’m childish and want it all right now. Friends. Closeness. Stability.
I missed a lot in these 22 months. I missed weddings, births, deaths, developments. My friends have grown into beautiful , independent people with real lives and jobs. My cousin is so much taller, smart as a whip, and totally into Harry Potter…we had great conversations. But through them I also got to see how much I’ve grown too. The person I was two years ago is, I’m thrilled to say, not the person I am now. But that didn’t stop me from jumping back into life at home like no time had passed. That’s how I know the relationships are true. After however many years, I was still invited to be part of one of the most romantic and personal weddings I’ve ever seen. I picked up old conversations like we just hung up the phone, inside jokes are still funny, only now they’ve got a different feel to them.

As expected, I cried my share of the time during my friend’s wedding ceremony (and I was a bridesmaid, so it wasn’t a secret), but I held it together for the most part. That is, until the reception. My friends are music majors, and the chorale gathered together again to perform an acapella song called, “Hear My Prayer.” I stood there, listening to the voices, hugging my best friend, and suddenly, it all caught up with me. All the big, crazy, exciting changes in my life…and everything that I’ve had to miss out on to enjoy them. And I do miss singing. It was ok though, knowing what I have created in PC. But what got me was the slow song that came next, when my Dad asked me to dance. I haven’t danced with him probably since the Girl Scout Father Daughter Dance in middle school. Thinking about him embarking on this adventure to Dubai (him being the guy who never left America until last summer when I made him and Mom meet me in Istanbul), my mom staying in Westlake until she closes up her practice, and me going to Az the next day (staying for who knows how long) was just too much to take. The life that I had so comfortably slipped back into in Ohio was there just as long as I was. It’s Sunday, and my Dad is moving Thursday. The timing couldn’t have been better, for me to give one last little goodbye to things the way I always knew them.

I guess I should be thankful that every time I leave a place it's really hard for me. It means I have a lot of great ties, in a lot of great places. But right now, there's a lot up in the air.

Everything is changing. It’s exciting. It’s scary.

It’s crazy.