This post is not really about Peace Corps, but about that other thing I talk about all the time...

Bad idea: Watching Black Swan alone in an old Azerbaijani house, in the dark. (Even worse when the movie is over and you try to turn the lights back on, you realize there is no power).

Good idea: Watching Inception. Under any circumstances. Ever. Just watch Inception.

Last year I did a terrible job of keeping up with the Academy Award Nominees, and, as an acting professional, I like to think it's part of my job to keep up with these things. So I'm trying, but it's hard because a) I don't have a movie theater, and b) the dumb academy has 10 best pic nominees so no, I'm not going to see them all. I'll be lucky if I get 5.

Black Swan was great, definitely Darren Aronofsky (the twisted mind behind Requiem for a Dream - watching that movie once was enough thanks), fronted by some great acting by Natalie Portman. Though, as an actress, I always thought playing crazy was easy. There is something strangely logical and mathematical about crazy...as long as it all added up, and it built in the right way, you could do anything. Just stay committed. That is why Ophelia will probably forever be the best time I've had in a show. I could get away with almost anything.

Inception - ok, wow. Talk about a tightly constructed film. It's hard when you create a world where odd things are possible...if you start to bend your own rules, then your viewer loses faith. (Why I hated the last Harry Potter books, JK Rowling just started making more stuff up to justify her own whims...) Inception stuck to its guns, and even to the point where the rules in place may have lowered the stakes, there was a rule to heighten it. Like in the first Pirates of the Carribean movie...you're fighting the undead. The only way it's gonna end is if they kill you, because they aren't gonna die...((SPOILER ALERT) In Inception, the rule is such that if you die in a dream you just wake up. So in the final sequence, there isn't much at stake if you get shot and don't really die. But if you get shot in those dreams you really pretty much DO die because of a fabulous conceit introduced earlier...making me squeeze the feathers out of my pillow in that whole last bit).

But true to Christopher Nolan (if you told me I could work with him if I went back to acting, I'd go back in a second. I would say that for few directors), there's suspense, drama, romance, comedy...I loved it. One of the best movies I've seen in a long long time. (I realized the last film I saw in theaters before PC was the new Fame movie...epic fail. And when I was in Istanbul I saw SATC2. Not epic, but fail.) Inception was just so satisfying. And of course I cried (the children! the children!). All good movies do that to me.

Artistically speaking, I'm coming back to life. Which is energizing. I'm doing a lot more art with the kids in class (though they ALWAYS come up to me and ask, 'can I draw this here?' 'am I allowed to draw this?' 'does this look ok?' 'will you draw this part for me, because I can't...' I think they are getting it though, the questions are less and less each time...) and I'm doing a lot more writing on my own time.

That's one thing that I have a hard time when I watch PCVs, or talk with other PCVs about, is when they mention "personal growth." Of course so many people join because they want to 'find themselves' or 'go on a spiritual journey,' well surprise surprise, it isn't going to just smack you over the head one day. It doesn't happen without a little bit of love and gentle guidance. I write, a lot. (My journal looks like a crazy person possesses me a few times a week). I meditate. I spend time alone, and I reflect. And I think that's why (I'm proud to say) I'm really happy here, and I'm probably more emotionally healthy than I've ever been in my entire life. (If you knew me in college, you'd know this is a massive step). But it didn't just happen to me, and I didn't just wake up one day and go, "YES! I GET IT NOW!" It's a journey, it still is...

Speaking of revelations...(and this might get all weird and new-agey) but I came to quite the realization about my relationship to theater, and college, and blah blah. I realized, that I kind of put "theater" in a big metal box and threw it off a bridge when I finished my degree. But in doing that, I threw away what was essentially most of my identity since, about, the age of 12. That's a big chunk of me to just lose, and makes sense why I was feeling a little lost. I'm here, I'm rebuilding my identity, but also realizing that I don't want to completely turn my back on theater. I had a really tumultuous relationship with it, but I'm trying to make it healthy now. Our love affair was long and violent and left me desparate and needy...but I think I'm mature enough to go back.

Old revelation: I was so not ready for NYU. (by NYU I mean specifically the acting program, and specifically the emotionally demanding part of the program I was in, Meisner). I just wasn't mature enough.

But, on a happy note, I think I'm coming to the realization that I want to be professionally involved in theater by making it happen, making it possible, and making it accessable to as many individuals as possible. So, Arts Administration, which could mean an MBA somewhere with a focus on Arts organizations/non-profits.

This led me to a fabulous moment the other day, while requesing more information. As I was filling in my address, of course I put, 'Azerbaijan.' Which, to my surprise (noted by squeals of delight), opened up a new drop-down menu, titled, "region." Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Yale had ALL of the major regions of Azerbaijan listed...I was proud to click the little down arrow, and select "Balaken."

Life is good here. And the future's gonna be good too.